this is going to be a very Julie-centric post.  i’m looking at my life at a very micro level right now.  that’s just where i am.

i don’t think i ever figured out what i wanted to do when i grow up.  i went to college, because i was supposed to; that was the next step.  i loved college.  LOVED.  but then graduation came and i had no plan.

eventually, i got a good sales job.  and i was good at what i did.  i was promoted and moved jobs and was basically, in my head, an up-and comer.  a hot shot if you will.  but i was always a square peg in a round hole.  most of my positions allowed for me to be creative, do it my way, and have fun.  and one day, one man shut that all down. 

i forgot who i was.  i let that man tear me down, bit by bit.  during my last three years at the company, i died a little bit each day.  but i felt trapped.  the money was good (not great, another way to tear me down) and i never would have quit.  i talked about it all of the time, i’m pretty sure it was a coping mechanism, but i never had the ovaries to do it.

i was a cog in a machine.  a very broken machine, if i am completely honest.  the freedom to be who i am was gone, and my choice was either to become one of them or not enjoy any further success.  i hated them.  i hated my job.  i hated myself for staying.  i worked with some amazing people, inside and out, which kept me going for awhile, but it wasn’t enough.

i was happy the day i was laid off.  i know why i was the first to go and i would be lying if i said it didn’t hurt.  it never feels good to be overlooked for the dodgeball team, so to speak.  

eventually, i took another job.  i was so out of place.  taken advantage of.  there was no path for my future.  it truly was a JOB.  and i hated that.  so, i reached deep inside myself and tried to figure out what the next step was going to be … and i enrolled in graduate school.  to become a teacher.  something that i have always wanted to do, but never did because i was so in love with money and travel.  at 40, i realize that “stuff” doesn’t matter.  the kind of car you drive doesn’t matter.  the size of your home doesn’t matter.  the travel, well, that matters to me, but i’ll get to do it again, just on different terms.  but being happy, at the end of the day, is what matters.  so i jumped over the chasm full of ickiness and landed with both feet on the ground.  i’ve been in school for a couple of weeks and i love it.  it’s a tremendous amount of work, but it feels right.  there are still people in my life that don’t support my decision, but i thought i was going to be able to shake them off.

then the job offer of a lifetime came.  well, to the old Julie, it was the job offer of a lifetime.  and now, i’m not so sure.

money, travel, doing something that i am GOOD at … all at my fingertips.  and i want to take it.  oh i do.  but i don’t think i can.  i just don’t think i can leave my dream right now.  but it’s so tempting and i’m waffling worse than a politician before an election.  FUCK.