i flossed with the metal twist tie from a barf bag and may have severed an artery.  damn prosciutto.

it’s like Scratch n Sniff Groundhog Day

there is a terrible irony in being stuck in coach class and being then being picked up at the airport by a guy with my name on a placard who drives a towncar

it’s a three hour flight.  is eating a FULL CHICKEN DINNER fucking necessary??  it’s happening right behind me or there would be a picture

guy in front of me reclined. so i do too. it’s fucking coach. as soon as i do, the bitch behind me starts pushing against my seat non-stop until i address her. i told her that when he unreclines, so will i. she starts shouting that she has no room. i compromised and moved it up partially, but how about fuck you?

i’m literally living “home for the holidays.” FML

so, i’m doing a little shopping in super cute downtown + historic Grapevine, TX tonight; killing time before my flight.  i walked out of a store, clicked the keys to the silver Camry i was assigned, walked around and got into the car.  the car felt weird.  the seat was all wrong and it smelled funny inside the car.  i couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  then i saw the white hard hat on the passenger seat and realized i was in the wrong car!  the car parked in front of me was a silver nissan altima, which was clearly left unlocked.  thank god no one saw me.  i do feel a little dirty.

the camry i rented on tuesday had 1,800 miles on it. i just turned it in, thankfully in the dark, with the fuck scraped outta the front passenger wheel and hubcap and it wasn’t driving very smoothly after i hit some roadkill which i believe was a squirrel.