If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

I need to write 500 words a day. Drunk, when possible. Well, that is, according to Hemingway.

If I need 9 cups of sugar, and each cup of sugar weighs 7 oz, how many pounds of sugar should I buy??

it’s been two months since I’ve posted here? wow

is gonna pull the proverbial trigger and go back to school. don’t tell her husband, but she does want her doctorate

Sidney just called and apparently her PE coach told told them that they were going to do cardio today. She looked at her coach, and in a Fat Amy voice, told her not to sign her up for cardio and proceeded to mimic Fat Amy in the stands. That kid is a riot

@OMGFacts: Sixty miles per hour is the maximum speed limit throughout Hawaii. It’s the only U.S. state with a statewide limit under 65.

so, this lady walks into the salon and asks for a “toenail cut and a paint job.” that was hilarious enough. the owner was like, “pick a color” and we’ll be right with you. then the owner was like, “and how are you today!?!” Maxine answered, “I’m okay. Well, I’m not really okay. I’m bad.” No more words were spoken and I hope she doesn’t kill herself before I get out of here.