you are a terrible teacher.  if i knew everything about accounting and taxes, um, well, you wouldn’t have a job, JA!  your industry is full of acronyms and complex rules, lax and regulations.  i know that.  that’s why i have YOU.  to explain it to me.  layman’s terms, but don’t be condescending.  we can’t all be good at everything.  oh, and just because i am a girl doesn’t mean i can’t “comprehend” this stuff.  i just choose not to because it bores me so severely that i am concerned that i may bleed out of my eyes.  and we know, from Jeannie Bueller, that is super serious.

here’s to hoping my husband agrees to let me fire your sorry ass.  i don’t listen to him often and i’m not sure why i started now.

best, calmer than you.

this is going to be a very Julie-centric post.  i’m looking at my life at a very micro level right now.  that’s just where i am.

i don’t think i ever figured out what i wanted to do when i grow up.  i went to college, because i was supposed to; that was the next step.  i loved college.  LOVED.  but then graduation came and i had no plan.

eventually, i got a good sales job.  and i was good at what i did.  i was promoted and moved jobs and was basically, in my head, an up-and comer.  a hot shot if you will.  but i was always a square peg in a round hole.  most of my positions allowed for me to be creative, do it my way, and have fun.  and one day, one man shut that all down. 

i forgot who i was.  i let that man tear me down, bit by bit.  during my last three years at the company, i died a little bit each day.  but i felt trapped.  the money was good (not great, another way to tear me down) and i never would have quit.  i talked about it all of the time, i’m pretty sure it was a coping mechanism, but i never had the ovaries to do it.

i was a cog in a machine.  a very broken machine, if i am completely honest.  the freedom to be who i am was gone, and my choice was either to become one of them or not enjoy any further success.  i hated them.  i hated my job.  i hated myself for staying.  i worked with some amazing people, inside and out, which kept me going for awhile, but it wasn’t enough.

i was happy the day i was laid off.  i know why i was the first to go and i would be lying if i said it didn’t hurt.  it never feels good to be overlooked for the dodgeball team, so to speak.  

eventually, i took another job.  i was so out of place.  taken advantage of.  there was no path for my future.  it truly was a JOB.  and i hated that.  so, i reached deep inside myself and tried to figure out what the next step was going to be … and i enrolled in graduate school.  to become a teacher.  something that i have always wanted to do, but never did because i was so in love with money and travel.  at 40, i realize that “stuff” doesn’t matter.  the kind of car you drive doesn’t matter.  the size of your home doesn’t matter.  the travel, well, that matters to me, but i’ll get to do it again, just on different terms.  but being happy, at the end of the day, is what matters.  so i jumped over the chasm full of ickiness and landed with both feet on the ground.  i’ve been in school for a couple of weeks and i love it.  it’s a tremendous amount of work, but it feels right.  there are still people in my life that don’t support my decision, but i thought i was going to be able to shake them off.

then the job offer of a lifetime came.  well, to the old Julie, it was the job offer of a lifetime.  and now, i’m not so sure.

money, travel, doing something that i am GOOD at … all at my fingertips.  and i want to take it.  oh i do.  but i don’t think i can.  i just don’t think i can leave my dream right now.  but it’s so tempting and i’m waffling worse than a politician before an election.  FUCK.

I am the sickest I’ve been in a super long time. And it’s ruining my study schedule. This sucks monkey balls

do you have a plunger while I’m thinking of these things? my plumbing is so bad. of course, yours is good plumbing. i’ve been bound up. it’s been driving me crazy. I’ve been eating a lot of cheese. got a craving for the stuff. you think maybe that’s an allergy? i can’t get enough cheese. i feel like a big mouse.

for the first time in my life, i had turned in a book one day late.  not really a full 24 hours, but enough for the library to levy a fine.  $0.20.  TWENTY CENTS.  i let the fine “ride” for a few days, until i needed another book.  i took two thin dimes with me when i went back to the library.  when i tried to pay my fine, the librarian was like, “it’s no big deal, you can pay it later.”  i was like, no way.  i have to see that blemish every time i sign into my account.  mark it zero!  she laughed, she took the money, gave me a receipt and sent me on my way.

i’ve made up my mind.  this is the path i will be on the for the next 12 months.  it seems like forever, but really, it’s just one trip around the sun.  school is expensive, time-consuming and difficult.  and the difficulty will grow every day.  i am scared.  this is completely unchartered territory for me.  i have to depend on other people for the next 12 months.  that is not easy for me.  but i believe in me.  i believe that i am on the right track.  everyone, from my husband to my friends to my doctor, have remarked that they haven’t seen me this happy or “pumped up” in a long time.  but the tunnel is dark.  my flashlight is unreliable.  i hear rats.  my stomach is in knots.  but i love it.  i feel alive. 

and then.  the proverbial phone rang.  what is our heroine going to do?  stay the course?  be remarkable?  change the world?  or take the corporate gig and go back to living large and dealing with idiots?

she’s going to believe in herself, people.  even though it’s hard right now.

it’s gonna be quite the year.  i’m buckled in and ready to change the world. 

I voluntarily went to school this morning to take a class on the upcoming CSET exam. I am letting my Nerd Flag fly. I could not be happier right now!!!

going to a CSET tutoring session tomorrow. it’s like the SAT all over again 🙂